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4.6. On Punishing

A question frequently arises: “If rewards are so powerful for moving me toward my goal, I should punish myself when I don’t perform, right?

Well, actually, no. Psychologists prefer not to use punishment too often because of nasty and unintended side effects that can derail you.

More specifically, punishment can leave you feeling discouraged, make you feel like a failure, cause you to avoid productive behaviors, and increase your aggression toward other people.

Punishment tends to foster certain behaviors that do nothing to reward the positive behavior and can actually trigger a whole other set of problems. Punishment does not direct us to the better alternative; it only suppresses behavior temporarily.

For these reasons, minimize punishing yourself both in your daily behavior and in your thoughts. Rewards are more effective in the long run, so create a reward program that’s devoid of punishments, and map out a contingency contract with a loved one in case you miss a step. In other words, use more carrot and less stick. The better way to approach discipline is in a loving, proactive way. (See previous page.)

If letting go of punishments is hard for you, ask yourself this simple question: Are punishment and damnation really how you are (or would like to be) raising your children to think of themselves?

If you oppose self-rewards because you think they are bribery and don’t lead to real change, consider this: Immoral bribery is very different from justly earned reinforcement. Bribery is using gifts or favors to distort someone’s judgment or to corrupt someone’s conduct. By contrast, the rewards we are encouraging are open, contractual, and used to improve your judgment and behavior.

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