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4.1. Limiting Beliefs

A possible reason why we all have fears that are pulling us away from and sabotaging our ability to fulfill our values is that our brain is programmed to avoid pain and seek pleasure, so anytime you seek to live any chosen value the memory of past experiences that led to pain when you did just that will come up and prevent you from doing it. The result is a conflict between the values you hold dear and the fear of pain (or rejection, humiliation, etc.) when you engage in them.

Limiting beliefs can potentially manifest in the following ways:

  • When you make excuses.
  • When you complain about things.
  • When you indulge in negative thoughts.
  • When you indulge in unhelpful habits.
  • When you talk to yourself in limiting and unhelpful ways.
  • When you jump to conclusions and/or make assumptions.
  • When you hesitate or express your fears.
  • When you worry about failure or about making mistakes.
  • When you worry uncontrollably for no apparent reason.
  • When you think about procrastinating.
  • When you think about indulging in perfectionism.

Below is a list of common limiting beliefs. Which of them do you have?

Health:

  • I don’t have time
  • It’s too expensive
  • I don’t have the willpower
  • I don’t understand

Relationships:

  • I don’t deserve love
  • All the good ones are already taken
  • What if I am settling?
  • I am scared of rejection

Career:

  • I don’t have what it takes to succeed
  • I could never do that
  • I don’t have the skills or talent
  • Successful people are just lucky

Money:

  • I’m just not good with money
  • I’ll never make enough money
  • Money is made to be spent
  • I’ll never be able to retire

How to transform and overcome limiting beliefs is an entire training unto itself, and I don’t want to get too sidetracked here. (I encourage you to read this document to investigate how it works. Something else that also helped me to understand how patterns of thinking shape our perception of reality is meta-programs.)

Right now, here is a simple process that anyone can follow to balance their fear of change and their desire for change; how to be simultaneously repulsed by their negative past and drawn toward their positive future.

A great time to reflect on and practice the following techniques (only one at a time!) is during your morning routine.

Step 1: Take a closer look at your value-attached fears and feelings.

Select each of your values in turn, and imagine living and experiencing them. Write down precisely what that means to you (see example below.) Next, ask yourself the following question: “What fear(s) come up for me when I imagine living a life that embraces…(name of your chosen value)?

Value What it means Fear(s) that come up when I imagine living a life that embraces this value
Courage
  • To shine my light bright and far, unapologetically, understanding and owning the fact that I am the captain of my ship and master of my destiny.
  • To fearlessly do the very best I can on my chosen path with what I know and have, in all situations, and never hide behind excuses.
  • That my parents will stop loving me because I will do what they never dared to do and remain afraid of doing.
  • That I will create such high standards of living that nobody else will be able to follow them, leaving me traveling through life alone.
  • That I will spend all of my life’s energy in pursuit of something that I will never be able to achieve.

Step 2: Challenge your fears

I have learned the following technique from Tim Ferris, who learned it himself by reading the teachings of Lucius Annaeus, also known as Seneca the Younger. It’s a 3 step process.

Step 1 is about looking at the cold facts of the situation you are facing. Draw 3 columns on a piece of paper.

  • Label column 1 “DEFINE.” In it, your job is to describe 10 to 20 of the worst things that could happen due to your particular challenge.
  • Label column 2 “PREVENT.” There write down what you could do to prevent these from happening, or at the very least decrease the likelihood a little bit.
  • Label column 3 “REPAIR.” If the worst-case scenario happens, what could you do to repair the damage, even a little bit, or who could you ask for help? Has anyone else in the history of time, less intelligent, less driven, figured out how to solve this?

Step 2 (another piece of paper) is about hope. Taking a conservative look at the upside, what might be the benefits of an attempt or partial success?

Step 3 (one last piece of paper) is about understanding the cost of inaction. Ask yourself the following question: If I avoid this action or decision and anything like it, what might my life look like in…

  • 6 months?
  • 1 year?
  • 3 years?
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